Having a healthy loving relationship is similar to own a car. In order to have the car running steady for long mileage, it need the ‘right kind of fuel’. This was the analogy used by Danny Silk – the writer of “Keep Your Love on”. Danny also quoted 5 love languages from Dr . Gary Chapman, author and renowned marriage counsellor in the Book “The Secrete to Love that Lasts”. Chinese version

What are the Five Languages of Love?

1. Healthy psychical touches

   The most common language of love is the psychical touches, everyone needs it, its like having a small meter inside the body measuring the level of affection touching. Without physical touches, the meter reading will start to climb showing the increasing desire. At shortage, people start to exhibit anxiety, irritation. With the right level of physical touches, people feel safe, loved and in their best condition to perform. The touches need to be healthy and loving to show the affection for each other. Involuntary or unwilling physical contacts would not help reducing the anxiety. People also need to communicate the needs of psychical touches to their love ones – what works, what does not, and keep the happy figures in their meter readings.

2. Acts of services

   Every time when there is an Act of services – ‘Let me do that for you’, the acts covert into the currency, and deposit in the bank of love. Similarly when the level of the deposit start to decline, the anxiety start to grow.  Some people may express their anxiety through crying out, like “Wash the dirty dishes!”, “Feed the dog!” or “Who’s bag is this in the middle of the room!”. The anxiety level deepens when the despair signal was ignored or receives passive responses. More importantly, the passive responses do not generate any value in the bank of love,  because they do not addressed to the real needs – need for love, attention – the act of services for love.
   To grow the bank deposit of love, you will need to find out the RIGHT act of services (for love) needed by your partner and deliver those acts without any grudge, willingly and show your affection for them.

   Of course, the people whom value the importance of Act of services will need to communicate the needs and make the partner know how those Acts are important for you to make you felt loved.

3. Receiving Gifts

   People have a desire to know their value in the heart of their dear ones. Am I important to you? Do you understand me? Do you thinking about me all the time? The message delivered by a beautiful loving gift is – ‘I know you well, and my attention is always on you’. Gift is not only a great vehicle to deliver the powerful love message, but is is also a perfect way to show your affection for one another. It can be done anytime, anywhere, with any reason, to confirm the love for each other. Remember it has to come from your heart and price tag is not always the most important factor.

4. Quality Time

   Quality time again shows – how much you are interested in the person, and willingness to spend time to be with each other. An undivided attention and being there at the critical moments leave feelings of satisfied and comforted and being cared. It can be an afternoon walk or doing something together. Distraction, postponed dates or failure to listen can be hurtful even when you are physically together. Hence duration of time is not the key factor but the devotion and deep connection with each other determine the successfulness of a quality time.

5. Words of affirmation

In a relationship, words from the closest person carried a huge weight, and a simple praise or compliment often mean a lot, it generates comfort and deepens the relationship. However a negative comment or criticism can break everything easily and generate a hurtful feeling. Not everyone value the same weight of the Words of affirmation, however if your partner does give a great weight on your words, you may want to try a “Gigantic jumbo sandwich method” when you delivering your constructive criticism. This sandwich started with a thick layer of positive encouraging words, wrap around the constructive suggestions, and add another thick layer of encouragement with repeated message of I love you to reduce the anxiety and bring comfort.

The need for these 5 love languages varied person to person, so talk to your love one and learn their most desire, creating your special Formula to a Strong Love,  establish a solid loving relationship. This is also a spiritual war, a struggle between fear and love. In order to win the war, you need to know the facts, plan and act. I believed when you choose to make alliance with Love,  you are on the winning side. May God bless you always.

如果你想保護關係，就必須學習如何在面對恐懼和傷痛時，對於對方「回應（response）」而非「反應（react）」。人可以不經思考就直接反應，但若要能有適當的回應，則需透過訓練，使自己能冷靜思考、憑意志做抉擇。唯有透過這些訓練，才能帶出人裡頭種種的美好特質，像是：勇氣、同理心、理智、熱情、公義和慷慨。

剛強的人不會淪為本能反應的奴隸，仍然能夠以愛回應。「回應的能力」是建立健康關係時所需要的關鍵能力。一路愛到底(Keep your love on by Danny Silk 丹尼・席克) 書。

人類面對痛苦危險時，典型的反應：

• 保持距離，遠離可能對自己造成傷害的恐怖之事
• 試圖控制對方，讓他們無法傷害你
• 威脅懲罰，所以不會再發生

人類的痛苦的反應，是一種源自恐懼的本能反應，但這些本能反應無法帶出人類裡面良善美好的一面。

怎麼去訓練自己破除恐懼的本能反應？

• 接受：「你無法控制他人，你所能控制的只有自己（在理想的情況下）」神設計人原本就是自由的，神將兩種樹放在伊甸園中給我們選擇的自由，沒得選擇就不會有自由，更重要的是沒有選擇就不可能有愛，因為有了自由才有愛。神揀選我們、愛我們，他想要我們也揀選他愛他，即使冒著被拒絕及與我們失去關係的風險，他還是給我們選擇的自由。
• 神以完全的愛愛我們，在他的愛裡面沒有懼怕。神放在我們裡面的靈，不是恐懼的靈而是充滿愛的靈：「愛裡沒有懼怕；愛既完全，就把懼怕除去。因為懼怕裡含著刑罰，懼怕的人在愛裡未得完全。」「上帝所賜給我們的靈不使我們膽怯；他的靈會使我們充滿力量、愛心，和自制。」
• 學習和愛的靈同工，思考並做出剛強的決定，承諾建立和保護彼此之間的連結
• 使用彼此愛之語強化關係的連結
• 成為一個剛強的人

又學到了一節重要的課程，原來我常常用的是「本能反應」，而這些都是破壞重要連結的關鍵問題。以後真的要常常思考和訓練，用「愛的回應」去回應我身旁重要的人，建造連結已經是很花時間的事情，真的不想讓我一句無心的「本能反應」破壞了一切。大家一起努力吧。